Dawn of the Distended
Posted on August 28, 2007
by: Big Jar
Last Saturday, I made my annual trip to the Minnesota State Fair. Like all years, the Fair provided a heady mix of good natured fun, a forboding sense of fear and disgust, and surprising self-revelations about an apparently latent gambling addiction. When you’re facing the prospect of winning a framed Jesus picture, what’s another twenty dollars in the carney’s pocket?
The “forboding sense of fear and disgust” is immediately recognizable to any person who has been to the Minnesota State Fair. Rest assured, dear reader, that if you are not able to make the trip before Labor Day, the state’s obese population did not decide to skip out on the festivities this year. On the contrary, their population continues to…expand.
Yes, like the exposed festering flesh of recent roadkill, your overpowering sense of curiosity will not allow you to look away from the roving packs of fatties. Even if you could somehow pretend to not be fascinated by them, their mammoth bulk makes it nearly impossible to see anything else. This especially becomes a problem when you are trying to look at the animals, or when you notice an engorged stomach lazily swaying in the breeze directly above your head, after it’s too late to get off the ride.
How bad have things become? The rotundos are no longer ashamed of their overconsumption. I saw plenty of shirts with quips like: “I’m not too fat–you’re too thin,” and “Yeah, and my dick is really big too.” They are becoming bolder and more plentiful; the more they consume, the hungrier they become, and they are no longer confining themselves to food and drink. They are starting to salivate over material goods.
For example: The Fair provides motorized carts for disabled and elderly fairgoers, who cannot maintain the considerable levels of energy it requires to navigate through the crowds of people. However, these carts are now monopolized by the very fattest of the fat, who use the carts to jettison among their most prized food vendors, employing the convenient mounted baskets to stock up on deep-fried candy bars, cheese curds, and buckets of Sweet Martha cookies. Meanwhile, the state’s disabled population is forced to fend for themselves. I wonder how many disabled citizens will die this year after being mowed down by some leviathan on a scooter in search of a corn dog?
This is really serious. They may soon commandeer a grocery store and secede from the country. Then, they will slowly assimilate surrounding areas with their bulk, like a malignant tumor, and float across the world’s oceans until the entire earth becomes a fatocracy.
Yesterday, I noticed a story on the AP Wire that said America’s obesity rate is rising. “Interesting,” I thought to myself, “After my experience over the weekend, I bet that Minnesota is pretty high up there.”
http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/O/OBESITY_RANKINGS?SITE=NJHAC&SECTION=HOME
Then I read this:
Meanwhile, Minnesotans led the way when it came to exercise. An estimated 15.4 percent of the state’s residents did not engage an any physical exercise - the best rate in the nation. Still, the state ranked 28th overall when it came to the percentage of obese adults.
Twenty eighth out of fifty?! Those lumbering idiots I saw at the State Fair are average Americans.
It is much worse than I thought. They number thirty percent of the total population in the deep south. It is only a matter of time before they waddle up towards the Mason-Dixon line, grasp the flabby forearms of their northern brethren, and slowly infiltrate the government.
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